January Recap

Charlie has been working on trying new foods and I've hinted that I've been working on a few goals, but apart from my reading goal, I never spelled out what those goals were. As so often happens with me, I was afraid I wouldn't follow through and I didn't want to set myself up for failure.

I started with three small goals and have been working on them one week at a time. There's a little chart in a notebook under my bed that I check each night and I'm happy to say that I've been meeting my goals!

To start, my goals were as follows:
-Meditate for 20 minutes every day
-Exercise for 30 minutes every day
-Drink at least 2 Nalgene bottles (roughly 10 glasses of water) every day

Last week, I added one more goal (which has been the hardest one so far!):
-Eat at least 5 servings of fruits and veggies every day

Gretchen Rubin's book The Happiness Project and blog have been very helpful to me with my goals. I am what she calls an abstainer - I find it easier to commit completely or not to commit at all. With a goal to meditate three days a week, I would tell myself that I would sit the next day any time I didn't feel like sitting. Setting a goal to meditate every day doesn't give me the option to push it off. I have, however, given myself a little leniency by following another of Rubin's rules - never skip two days in a row.

It's been easiest to meet my water goal - I only missed it once in January and it was on New Year's Day. We were driving all over the place and I ran out of water in the car!

Meditating has been easier than I expected. I've sat for at least 20 minutes all but two days - once because of a girls' night that lasted until 2am(!) and once because we had company over and I wasn't able to fit it in. I also attended my yoga studio's Second Sunday Sit for an hour-long meditation at the beginning of the month. Meditating with a group of people and discussing the experience afterwards is quite a positive experience!

There have been a few kinks in exercising - I use the elliptical during the week to get my workouts in, but I prefer to get outside to do something different with the family on the weekends and I had been giving myself one rest day a week. I haven't missed any weekdays, but mentally, I've discovered that I'm better off not taking a complete rest day on the weekend. If we can't get outside, I plan to compensate by doing a very slow 30 minutes at the lowest setting on the elliptical.

Yesterday, an issue arose with my elliptical. As I was working out, the machine was very wobbly, leaning to the left and it was moving around quite a bit. I was so excited that I was able to work out while the boys were sleeping because it meant I wouldn't be jumping off every few minutes to help someone (or yell at someone). Instead, I kept having to get off the pull the elliptical away from the wall and eventually got off to move it onto the carpet hoping that would reduce the movement. Arg.

When Chris got home, I asked him to take a look at the machine. It turns out that the main shaft of the base is cracked!!!!! He took it apart and is going to attempt to weld it back together. But, I don't know when he's going to be able to do the welding and I'm in a panic about getting my exercise in. (I am, however, very thankful that I have such a handy hubby.)

It seems like every single time I get an exercise routine, something messes with it. The exercise and meditation have been helping immensely with my moods. That benefit has made it easier to keep my goals but it's also the reason I'm worried about getting my workouts in. I'd love to get outside for a run or walk, but the weather and Chris' work schedule make that difficult. My fingers are crossed that he's able to do the welding as soon as possible and that the welding actually fixes the issue.

In terms of my reading goal, I completed 5 books in January and I'm halfway through Scarlett, the 800+ page sequel to Gone with the Wind. I loved Gone with the Wind and I'm loving this book, too!

January
Diana Gabaldon - Lord John and the Hand of Devils
Ernest Hemingway - A Moveable Feast (Library Bookclub pick - I'd never read any Hemingway before and I really enjoyed it)
Rebecca Hunt - Mr. Chartwell
Tom Perrotta - Little Children (Mommy Bookclub pick - did NOT like this at all, but that will make for a good discussion next week)
Deanna J. Smith - Dreams Change (I follow Deanna's blog - check it out!)

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

I can't sleep.

Insomnia is a new experience for me. I've never had an issue falling asleep before and it's not something I'm dealing with every night, but I'm not liking it. But really, who does?

I think part of it is that I'm not looking forward to the waking up and facing a day just like every other.

Another part is that we've done nothing this week.

I've sat on my butt way too much in this damn heat.

I'm bored.

And summer's just begun.

On a normal week, we have activities planned to occupy our time. This week, not so much. It was our first week without story time as a normal activity. We didn't schedule anything else and I didn't make much of an effort to. I didn't want to bring Isaac out among other kids; not only is he teething - molars on top and at least 2 other teeth coming on the bottom - but he's got a nasty cold with a drippy nose and raspy cough. He's been a clingy mess.

Clingy baby + hot weather = miserable mom! I know I'll get flack for it, but I'm not a huge fan of summer. Give me a crisp fall day any day and I'm happy as can be. Give me a hot summer day and cover me in sweat and I'm not too fun to be around. To add insult to injury, we've got a gorgeous blue pool that I see every time I look in the backyard, but I had to go and get a garden tool stuck in my leg and can't swim until it's healed. Seriously, who but me?

So, I'm bored. I'm bitchy. I'm lonely. I feel sorry for Chris.

I have a few ideas to overcome the boredom, but with the boredom has come a lack of motivation. I could just care less about fixing the problem right now.

I'm not liking my attitude too much tonight. *sigh*

In reality, I've been thinking about a few things. I just haven't done anything about them.

I really miss the gym and we have one right up the road. It's less than 5 minutes away. My hangup is that my workout time is limited to before Chris leaves for work at 6:45am or after we eat dinner and put the kids to bed around 7:00pm. I could obviously make it work, but it just seems like too much work right now. And, I'm not sure on the price. It's easy enough to call, but I haven't. Excuses, excuses.

I NEED to sign up for a real estate class ASAP to renew my license (expires in, oh, about 4 weeks). It's a 3-hour class, easy to fit in.... I've just procrastinated on signing up because it'd be nice to go with someone else. (Any takers? Wednesday nights in Nashua......)

Thinking about taking that class has made me think about signing up for a "real" class at NH Tech (or whatever it's called now). There are a few classes that will come in handy in the next 18 months.... accounting or something of that sort. It'd be nice to have homework again. I know, I know, who wants homework? But if it means time spent answering intellectual questions instead of "Why?" a bazillion times a day ("Can I play outside, Mimi?" "Sure." "Why?" - Seriously, HOW do you answer that?! WHY would you even ask it?!?!), I'd be in Heaven.

Interacting with people, especially people I don't know, has been what I've missed most now that I stay at home with the boys. Being a stay-at-home mom is a lonely job! I never thought I'd miss talking to some of the crazy people I had to talk to when answering phones!

I've known that I need something more in my days. I had hoped book club, the Board of Trustees and my girlfriends would fill that void, but apparently, I'm needing something more and it frustrates me and makes me feel guilty that I can't be satisfied with everything I already have. I feel like guilt has become one of the major themes of my life. Is this just part of being a mother? A woman?

I've ranted, it's now 1am and I'm still not too sleepy. At least I don't have everything rattling around in my head.... maybe it'll be easier once I put my head on the pillow.

Pushing Through

Sometimes the thing you want to do least is the thing that will help you the most.

I started spiraling down on Wednesday afternoon; I was tired and I was having a hard time putting words together to hold a conversation. It would have been a good time for me to write, but I wasn't on the computer much when writing is possible (i.e. when the kids are sleeping or otherwise occupied with Popsy) and it might have been hard to understand.

Even at therapy on Thursday, it was hard for me to express anything. By Friday, I was a complete grump. I just wanted to be alone and since Chris was home, I spent a good part of the afternoon with Stieg Larsson. Yesterday, I was feeling pretty much the same. I wasn't too keen on getting out of bed, but once I did, I made the bed right away so I wouldn't have the option of crawling back in. We had a few errands to do and I spent most of the trip lost in thought. Chris would ask a question and get the bare minimum of an answer in response. At a tent sale, we found a much-needed new sneakers for me, but trying on t-shirts did not improve my day. And I was dreading the birthday party we had RSVP'd to. I knew the boys would have fun and that it would be great company; I just wasn't too sure I would be able to pull myself together for it and didn't think I would be much of a companion.

My instincts yesterday were to retreat inside myself. I felt like I didn't have much of myself left to give to anyone. Surrounding yourself with people when you're wanting to be alone isn't easy to do. But, really, if I had done what I wanted to do, I'd still be in that lonely place. I don't like that lonely place, but it can be so hard to get out of it. It's a matter of forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do. The beginning of the party was a bit rough for me, but by the end, my mood had improved and I had a blast! Today, I'm still feeling good although I'd be even better if the sun would show itself a bit more.

We didn't have the healthiest breakfast this morning, but it sure was tasty! Fortunately, the rest of the day should be better health-wise. Chris has been fixing the brakes on his truck this morning and this afternoon we're planning on finally putting our bikes to use! My Mother's Day present was bike seats for the boys and a new bike for Chris so that we could take family bike rides. With the rain we've had for the last WEEK, we haven't used them yet and I have been so anxious to! Today's weather forecast was for clouds....I didn't see anything about rain so I have my fingers crossed. We're going to head over to the bike path and I'm hoping to hit up the farm stand on the way home. I've been craving something grilled for dinner. I'm torn between grilled shrimp and veggies and grilled pizza topped with some veggies (maybe some of the asparagus from the fridge?), but I think I'm leaning towards pizza.

It's now noon and I'm still in jammies! I'll leave you with this goof (stealing his brother's dinner last night) while I get dressed!

First Steps

When things are good, it's easy to forget just how bad they can be.

You may have noticed that I've been missing lately, both here and on Facebook. I've been lurking, but I just haven't had anything positive to say, and if you don't have anything nice to say, it's best to not say anything at all.

I've been toying with the idea of writing more about the struggles I've been having with depression and I guess I've decided to just do it. It's hard to put myself out there, but.....

It might help me.

It might help someone else.

It won't be pretty.

If you're not okay with reading about some pretty raw, unpleasant emotions, you're following the wrong blog.

Last week, I started seeing a therapist.

She seems to be the jump-start that I need in order for me to live my life rather than limp through the days.

I know I'm not perfect. No one is. But.... I have pretty high expectations for myself. I am a perfectionist.

I've had a rough winter and the days that I didn't want to get out of bed far outnumbered the days that I did. I've never had trouble sleeping, but I've been finding myself having trouble drifting off. I've been lonely. I've been teary. I've been angry. I've been binge-eating. My moods go in cycles. It's either really good or really bad. There isn't a happy medium. This really worries me.

It's getting easier for me to admit that I needed to ask for help, that I wasn't able to manage the stresses in my life on my own. I cried when I asked my doctor for a referral to a therapist. I had admitted that I was NOT perfect.

Everything started to really fall apart two weeks ago.

On Monday, I learned that a former co-worker, someone I had worked closely with and for, loved and respected quite a bit, lost a hard-fought battle with a brain tumor. At 44.

On Wednesday, while playing with Isaac, he squished my breast while climbing over me. While trying to pinpoint exactly why it hurt as much as it did, I discovered a lump. I deliberated what to do and finally called the doctor When I said the word "lump," I was penciled in for an appointment the very next day. I spent roughly 24 hours in between discovering the lump and my appointment thinking, "I'm 28 years old. I have a husband and two little boys. I cannot have breast cancer." I was terrified.

(I am fine. The position of the lump made it hard for me to tell, but it ended up being a muscle in my upper ribs under my breast that was inflamed from an intense upper body work-out the week before.)

On Friday, while getting ready for my friend's funeral, Isaac had his second seizure. His first was the day before Easter and had us calling 911. (Luckily, Chris was home with me both times.) We knew what to do and expect this time, but that didn't make it any easier.

Isaac is a breath-holder. When he gets upset, he holds his breath while crying. When he's in a mood, it results in him turning blue and passing out. Occasionally kids who do this will have seizures as a result of the breath-holding. Of course, my kid is one of the few that has this result. The seizure itself isn't dangerous (as long as it doesn't last for more than 10 or so minutes), but we need to make sure he doesn't choke (especially if he has food in his mouth) and that there's nothing around him that he can hurt himself on. There is nothing we can do to stop the seizure and this in itself is terrifying. I cannot help my baby.

Honestly, I've had enough. I've hit my breaking point. I've realized that I cannot do this on my own.

I know what can help me cope, but my depression has been preventing me from taking those steps. So, I'm seeing a therapist. And taking that first step has prompted me to take others.

I surrounded myself with friends this weekend and did a LOT of talking (and a little wine drinking). :) I walked. I spent a day at the Museum of Fine Arts. I went for a run in the rain. Three out of four days, I ate a salad for lunch and enjoyed it! :) I spent a few hours in bed up way later than I should have been just talking and giggling with my husband. I spent time playing with and enjoying my children. I actually wanted to get out of bed this morning.

But, like I said earlier, my moods tend to run in cycles and when things are good, it's easy to forget just how bad they can be. Two weeks ago, things were really bad. Right now, they're really good. There was no in between. This is where the therapy is going to help.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not know the reason right away, but eventually we find the answer. Every night, unable to fall asleep, I'd tell myself I'd call the doctor tomorrow. When tomorrow came, I didn't call. That silly lump is what prompted me to call the doctor and take the first step in getting my depression under control. If I hadn't found that lump, I never would have called.

Some Days You Know I Wanna Just Give Up

I've been lax in my posting lately and I suppose I should be honest. I've said it out loud to a few family members and friends, but to put it in writing makes it a bit more real and I find that frightening. I have a hard time asking others for help and this is a pretty big shout out for me.

I've been having a hard time lately. I've had bouts of depression in the past and I'm dealing with it again. I have wonderful days and I have horrible days. I have days where I don't want to get out of bed, and if I didn't have two little ones to drag me out, I'd probably stay there all day. Some days, it's all I can do to get my day-to-day chores and activities done, and my blog falls by the wayside. Master Charles has been more than a handful lately, too, and I can't say that's been making life any easier. :)

I have starting doing things that have helped me battle my depression in the past, but I'm at a different stage in life right now, so it's not always easy to put myself at the top of my priorities list. I know that exercise is one of my major mood enhancers and I'm trying to make a daily workout part of my normal routine. I can't go to bed without tidying the kitchen or going through my getting-ready-for-bed routine and I want to get to the point where I feel like something is missing when I don't work out. The beginning of the week is great; I just need to keep it going past Wednesday night.

I have also starting meditating again. I starting meditating junior year of college; in my senior year, I was the leader of the Zen Meditation Club at my school. Back then, it was pretty easy to find time for myself; my life consisted of classes and homework. Now, I'm a wife and mother to two boys, so my free time is pretty limited, especially since the oldest rarely naps (today is one of those rare days - woohoo!). Once the boys are in bed, I have about three hours to squeeze in a workout, do some paying work, spend time with my hubby, maybe catch a tv show, prep for the next day, meditate, read, blog. I know that a 20-minute meditation session focuses me so that I am able to accomplish more, but there are times I feel so pressed for time, I just can't force myself to do sit; I know that these are the times I would benefit the most. I also have a 9-month-old with a knack for fussing when I'm 17 minutes into a 20-minute sit and dad's not home. *sigh*

Looking at all of the major events our family has gone through since last September (Charlie's broken leg, Isaac's birth, Isaac's 8-day stint at DHMC for RSV & pneumonia, my decision to be a stay-at-home mom instead of going back to work, our fridge dying shortly after this decision, discovering ants in the floor of our front steps, did I forget anything? *sigh* again), I'm surprised my depression didn't pop up sooner than it did.... unless it did and I just didn't realize it. I think part of what helped me was spending so much time with friends at playdates and such over the summer. I know that the more isolated I am here at home, the more down I feel. I have a few friends that are great at extending invitations for dates and playdates and that has been a major help. I don't want to stay at home all the time, but I don't want to push myself on my friends either.

The thing I'm most looking forward to in fighting my depression is starting a yoga class again. Before I was pregnant with Charlie and during the first few months of my pregnancy, I was doing three yoga classes a week! I loved it! I have plans to find a local class with a friend and I can't wait to start up again. I occasionally do some yoga at home, but the atmosphere of a class is something you can't recreate on your own. What a mood booster that is!

So, that explains where I've been when I disappear for days (weeks) at a time. I'm having a really awesome day (and week) this week so I'm going to write and post while I have it in me. :)