Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Jitterbug!

I am on edge this morning. I'm very jittery. My heart and mind are racing but my body just can't keep up. I'm sure part of it is that I'm anxious about Isaac's doctor's appointment this morning, but I think the biggest thing is that I'm hungry. I need food!!!

I also need Master Charles, who woke up with way too much energy this morning, to back off a little. I've already yelled at him a few times to calm down and it's not even 8:30. That boy goes from 0 to 60 way too fast! The day started with him crawling in bed with me this morning. I was on my side and he somehow curled his little body up in the space above my legs. I opened my eyes to see his face an inch away from mine. Good morning, Charlie! LOL Later, he made me laugh as I was getting him breakfast when he said, "Can I call you Sweetheart?" Where does he come up with this stuff?

Luckily, the hunger is an easy fix! I'm still hooked on KERF's oatmeal. I eat it in some form almost every morning. Today I've got the normal oats, milk, water and banana with some strawberries stirred in at the end and topped with banana, coconut and pecans. Yum! This should keep my belly happy until lunch.

My jitters this morning are a good sign. It means that I woke up hungry which means that I didn't binge last night! Woohoo! I've been using different strategies to stop myself from mindlessly shoveling food into my mouth. Last night, I had a small helping of dessert right after dinner and brushed my teeth shortly after. I actually went to bed hungry last night and almost wished I hadn't brushed my teeth because I could have used a little post-workout snack.

We've got a busy morning of storytime and Isaac's doctor's appointment so we're off to finish getting ready. I'm very curious to see if my 15-month-old has hit 20 pounds yet. Any guesses as to his weight?

Monday, May 16, 2011

Morning Stretching

Isaac passed out 3 times before 1pm today. It was a rough morning. And we had a playdate, too! He is definitely a boy that needs a lot of sleep and his morning nap was interrupted so he was more than a little overtired. He's taking a nap now and Charlie's watching a movie (there's not much more to do on a rainy afternoon and we needed a little quiet time) so I was able to eat my lunch (another HUGE salad along with a serving of Tostitos Hint of Lime chips, which I LOVE) in peace.

Chris is up at 6 every morning and most mornings, today included, I don't hear his alarm go off. Sometimes I wake when I hear him getting dressed; sometimes I wake when he comes to kiss me good-bye. Usually, I stay in bed until the kids force me to get up.

This morning, I heard him moving around. Like I normally do, I spread out to enjoy the extra space and Chris' pillows, but rather than closing my eyes again and falling back asleep, I realized that I was actually ready to get up and that I actually wanted to get up!

When I rolled over to get up, I realized that after yesterday's run in the rain, my body was more than a little sore and getting up wasn't very easy. But, the good thing was that the boys were both still sleeping! I got my stiff self up and did a little yoga in the bedroom. It really wasn't much because even bending in half was painful, but the movement got the energy flowing and was a nice way to start the day.

Apart from Isaac's breath holding this morning, the rest of the morning was uneventful. We went to a playdate and are now home enjoying a little quiet time. I think I'll dig out a game to play with Charlie once he finishes The Little Mermaid (his choice), because Isaac should take a long nap. I have the energy and desire to do something fun so I'm going to act on it while the motivation is here!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

First Steps

When things are good, it's easy to forget just how bad they can be.

You may have noticed that I've been missing lately, both here and on Facebook. I've been lurking, but I just haven't had anything positive to say, and if you don't have anything nice to say, it's best to not say anything at all.

I've been toying with the idea of writing more about the struggles I've been having with depression and I guess I've decided to just do it. It's hard to put myself out there, but.....

It might help me.

It might help someone else.

It won't be pretty.

If you're not okay with reading about some pretty raw, unpleasant emotions, you're following the wrong blog.

Last week, I started seeing a therapist.

She seems to be the jump-start that I need in order for me to live my life rather than limp through the days.

I know I'm not perfect. No one is. But.... I have pretty high expectations for myself. I am a perfectionist.

I've had a rough winter and the days that I didn't want to get out of bed far outnumbered the days that I did. I've never had trouble sleeping, but I've been finding myself having trouble drifting off. I've been lonely. I've been teary. I've been angry. I've been binge-eating. My moods go in cycles. It's either really good or really bad. There isn't a happy medium. This really worries me.

It's getting easier for me to admit that I needed to ask for help, that I wasn't able to manage the stresses in my life on my own. I cried when I asked my doctor for a referral to a therapist. I had admitted that I was NOT perfect.

Everything started to really fall apart two weeks ago.

On Monday, I learned that a former co-worker, someone I had worked closely with and for, loved and respected quite a bit, lost a hard-fought battle with a brain tumor. At 44.

On Wednesday, while playing with Isaac, he squished my breast while climbing over me. While trying to pinpoint exactly why it hurt as much as it did, I discovered a lump. I deliberated what to do and finally called the doctor When I said the word "lump," I was penciled in for an appointment the very next day. I spent roughly 24 hours in between discovering the lump and my appointment thinking, "I'm 28 years old. I have a husband and two little boys. I cannot have breast cancer." I was terrified.

(I am fine. The position of the lump made it hard for me to tell, but it ended up being a muscle in my upper ribs under my breast that was inflamed from an intense upper body work-out the week before.)

On Friday, while getting ready for my friend's funeral, Isaac had his second seizure. His first was the day before Easter and had us calling 911. (Luckily, Chris was home with me both times.) We knew what to do and expect this time, but that didn't make it any easier.

Isaac is a breath-holder. When he gets upset, he holds his breath while crying. When he's in a mood, it results in him turning blue and passing out. Occasionally kids who do this will have seizures as a result of the breath-holding. Of course, my kid is one of the few that has this result. The seizure itself isn't dangerous (as long as it doesn't last for more than 10 or so minutes), but we need to make sure he doesn't choke (especially if he has food in his mouth) and that there's nothing around him that he can hurt himself on. There is nothing we can do to stop the seizure and this in itself is terrifying. I cannot help my baby.

Honestly, I've had enough. I've hit my breaking point. I've realized that I cannot do this on my own.

I know what can help me cope, but my depression has been preventing me from taking those steps. So, I'm seeing a therapist. And taking that first step has prompted me to take others.

I surrounded myself with friends this weekend and did a LOT of talking (and a little wine drinking). :) I walked. I spent a day at the Museum of Fine Arts. I went for a run in the rain. Three out of four days, I ate a salad for lunch and enjoyed it! :) I spent a few hours in bed up way later than I should have been just talking and giggling with my husband. I spent time playing with and enjoying my children. I actually wanted to get out of bed this morning.

But, like I said earlier, my moods tend to run in cycles and when things are good, it's easy to forget just how bad they can be. Two weeks ago, things were really bad. Right now, they're really good. There was no in between. This is where the therapy is going to help.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not know the reason right away, but eventually we find the answer. Every night, unable to fall asleep, I'd tell myself I'd call the doctor tomorrow. When tomorrow came, I didn't call. That silly lump is what prompted me to call the doctor and take the first step in getting my depression under control. If I hadn't found that lump, I never would have called.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

2011 Reading Challenge


I love to read. One of my favorite childhood memories involves an afternoon spent with a book (one of the Goosebumps series if I remember correctly) and a bowl of popcorn. I can't go to bed without doing a few minutes of reading, and if I'm caught up in a good book, a few minutes often turns into hours. Last night (I should say this morning!), I was up until 1am because I could not put the book I was reading (that I finished) down! (It was Jodi Picoult's Keeping Faith, which I started Sunday night!) I joined my first book club in December (I think), and in a few weeks, I'll have some news (that is exciting to me, at least) regarding books and reading! There are times that I don't find it as easy to get lost in book, and because of that, I have quite a severe magazine addiction. No fewer than 100 magazines are tucked away under my bed (luckily, I've been doing a bit of organizing lately, so they're in neat little stacks instead of a gigantic pile threatening to take over Chris' side of the bed). Right now, I'm in the mood to read and I never want to stop! Because of this, the top of my bedside table is hidden under 8 books that have been read, are in progress or are waiting to be read.... I don't think my magazine stacks are going to get shorter any time soon. I decided I wanted to keep a running list of what I have read and am reading in 2011. I completed three in January and hope to see just as many, if not more, completed in February. I've got one under my belt for the month, I'm halfway through another and I have a bookclub book to read, so I think this goal is very doable. I would like to read at least 30 books in 2011.




Completed

January 2011

Tana French - The Likeness (bookclub pick) - LOVED it

Alexander McCall Smith - 44 Scotland Street

Alexander McCall Smith - Espresso Tales


February 2011

Jodi Picoult - Keeping Faith - LOVED it

Jodi Picoult - House Rules

Sunny - Mona Lisa Awakening

Kathleen Kent - The Heretic's Daughter (bookclub pick)


March 2011

Amy Weintraub - Yoga for Depression

Dan Brown - Lost Symbol

Pam Jenoff - The Kommandant's Girl (bookclub pick)- LOVED it


April 2011

Diana Gabaldon - The Fiery Cross (finally!!!!!)

Kristin Hannah - Winter Garden (bookclub pick)

Sara Gruen - Water for Elephants

Sara Gruen - Ape House

Peter Arenstam - Nicholas: A Massachusetts Tale

Peter Arenstam - Nicholas: A Maine Tale


In The Works

Diana Gabaldon - A Breath of Snow and Ashes

Alan Brennert - Honolulu (in 3rd chapter and already love it)

Harper Lee - To Kill a Mockingbird (bookclub pick)

Peter Arenstam - Nicholas: A New Hampshire Tale


Feel free to pass along any recommendations!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Meal Plan 4/4-4/10

The past few weeks in our household have been pretty rough. We went from a stomach bug that lasted about 8 hours for Chris and me and about 5 days for poor Charlie to a nasty head cold with lots of boogers for Isaac and me. We've left the house to grocery shop and take a few walks, but have done little else.

I have been menu planning and cooking and we've found some really great meals. Unfortunately, I just haven't been up to posting. I've mentioned before that I've been dealing with depression and after observing myself for the past few months, I've realized that my depression (and anger, irritability, over-eating, sleeping as much as possible and more) is linked to my menstrual cycle.

I went to see my doctor and we discussed the possibility that I could be dealing with PMDD. The treatment for PMDD is usually anti-depressants. I've been down that road before and opted to try something else first to see if it works. Birth control can sometimes help, so for the meantime, I am back on birth control. Month One is almost down. It can take three months to be completely effective, so we'll see how it goes. Last week was my rough week and apart from some lingering phlegm from my head cold, I'm back to my normal self this week!

Monday
L: Leftovers
D: Smoky Pork with Quinoa Pilaf (new family favorite)

Tuesday
L: PB&J, Grapes, Chips
D: Saucy Parmesan Chicken, Egg Noodles, Broccoli

Wednesday
L: Beans & Cheese Quesadillas (from freezer)
D: Spinach Cheese Lasagna

Thursday
L: Leftover Lasagna
D: Modified Turkey Tetrazzini

Friday
L: English Muffin Pizzas
D: Baked Potatoes

Saturday
L: Kraft Spiral Mac&Cheese with Turkey & Broccoli
D: Whiskey Steak Tips, Buttermilk Mashed Potatoes, Minty Peas

Sunday
L: Leftovers
D: Pork Chops with Orange Sauce, Couscous, Herbed Green Beans

I will also be making an orange version of this Lemon Fluff Dessert that we first made last summer. I can't wait to try it!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Week 2

Today marks the start of Week 2 of getting up at 5am to workout and it's really working for me!

I was in bed reading by 8:30 last night and the lights were off by 9:15. I hopped right out of bed this morning when the alarm went off. Sometimes, I have trouble wrapping my head around the idea that by 8am, I've already been up for 3 hours!

I'll admit that towards the end of last week getting up wasn't as easy as at the beginning. I've had my alarm set to play music instead of its annoying beep and I was a little worried it wouldn't wake me because Chris' alarm doesn't wake me. Instead, the music gradually wakes me up instead of jolting me out of bed and it's been nice! Unfortunately, when the alarm went off on Thursday, the DJs were talking and Chris elbowed me to turn it off so I jolted awake like with a beeping alarm - not so nice. :( On Friday, I woke up at 5 with the shakes so I crawled back in bed and got up at 6 with Chris; I didn't work out that day but did take a little nap on the couch downstairs while the four of us were hanging out down there. I needed it!

There have been quite a few benefits to getting my workout done in the morning and not too many cons.

I don't spend all day worrying about when I'm going to be able to fit in a workout.

I'm awake before the kids and I'm able to have at least an hour to myself before facing their endless energy first thing in the morning.

It sets the tone of the day for me - I'm more likely to eat well all day when I've started the day off with a workout.

I'm more productive! By 8am, I've worked out, showered, gotten dressed and gotten the kids and myself breakfast. With my previous schedule, we were lucky if we'd finished breakfast by 8! Now, if we have errands, we can get out of the house earlier. I have more time for playtime and I'm able to fit chores in more easily.

Although I've never really had an issue with my water intake, I'm definitely getting more water now. I've already had 3 cups shortly after my workout and usually drink 2 full Nalgene bottles by the end of the day (until last week, I thought my Nalgene held 4 cups of water and it actually holds 5 so I've been drinking more than I thought all along). Add to that a cup or two (or three) of tea and that equals a lot of time in the bathroom! That may be the only con I've found to getting up early and it's really not that bad.

The hardest part to waking early is getting to bed early but it's just because I'm not used to it yet. My goal for this week is to be ready for bed by 8pm and in bed, either reading or ready to sleep, by 9pm.

Am I on my way to becoming a morning person?

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Meal Plan 3/7-3/13

We had some great meals last week! It took me an entire day (seriously 9am to about 10pm - I procrastinated all day) to plan out the last two weeks of dinner menus, but, oh, it was so worth it! We have eaten a lot of tasty, and for the most part, healthy meals, and we've done a lot of experimenting with "different" food combos. I've been doing a lot of recipes from Cooking Light and Taste of Home's Healthy Cooking magazine; I like that the calorie count is included on most of the recipes because its easier for me to calculate my day's intake that way. (I now have an official goal of dropping 20 pounds by June so I can purchase a bridesmaid dress for a friend's wedding in the size I want to wear.)

My breakfasts for the past week have been different variations of this oatmeal. I stumbled upon it last Sunday, and despite eating it for seven days in a row now, I'm not anywhere close to sick of it! I started simply and topped it with 1/2 a banana and some walnuts before I moved on to peanut butter and bananas. Mid-week, I topped it with some Parmesan cheese, a chopped up chicken sausage and a fried egg (with a runny yolk). Later, I added some raisins and used up the pumpkin leftover from Thursday's dinner of Sausage and Pumpkin Pasta (one of the odd combos I mentioned earlier - wicked good! Chris declared, "I would eat this again.") and topped it with a sprinkle of coconut, walnuts and a spoonful of peanut butter. I even made a bowl for Chris this morning and he approved. All of the versions were so tasty and I don't think I could decide on a favorite.... but that runny egg yolk mixed in with the oatmeal was A.MA.Z.I.N.G.

For this week, we have planned the following:

Monday
L: Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup
D: Pumpkin Lasagna (minus the mushrooms), Whole Wheat Rolls (from freezer)

Tuesday
L: Leftover Lasagna
D: Sweet 'n' Sour Chicken, Rice Pilaf, Honey-Glazed Carrots

Wednesday
L: Easy Italian Stew (from freezer)
D: Applesauce Glazed Pork Chops, Mashed Potatoes, Broccoli

Thursday
L: PB&J, Chips, Fruit/Veggie
D: Cheesy Spinach Lasagna Soup

Friday
L: Leftover Soup
D: Terrific Teriyaki Burgers, Sesame Green Bean Salad

Saturday
L: Heading to Mass for a Birthday Party
D: Charlie & I are heading to a Monarchs game with Sara & Kale from A Kiss A Day - should be fun!

Sunday
L: Pasta with sauce
D: Marinated Steak Tips, Baked Potatoes, Roasted Pear Salad