Monday, November 15, 2010

Some Days You Know I Wanna Just Give Up

I've been lax in my posting lately and I suppose I should be honest. I've said it out loud to a few family members and friends, but to put it in writing makes it a bit more real and I find that frightening. I have a hard time asking others for help and this is a pretty big shout out for me.

I've been having a hard time lately. I've had bouts of depression in the past and I'm dealing with it again. I have wonderful days and I have horrible days. I have days where I don't want to get out of bed, and if I didn't have two little ones to drag me out, I'd probably stay there all day. Some days, it's all I can do to get my day-to-day chores and activities done, and my blog falls by the wayside. Master Charles has been more than a handful lately, too, and I can't say that's been making life any easier. :)

I have starting doing things that have helped me battle my depression in the past, but I'm at a different stage in life right now, so it's not always easy to put myself at the top of my priorities list. I know that exercise is one of my major mood enhancers and I'm trying to make a daily workout part of my normal routine. I can't go to bed without tidying the kitchen or going through my getting-ready-for-bed routine and I want to get to the point where I feel like something is missing when I don't work out. The beginning of the week is great; I just need to keep it going past Wednesday night.

I have also starting meditating again. I starting meditating junior year of college; in my senior year, I was the leader of the Zen Meditation Club at my school. Back then, it was pretty easy to find time for myself; my life consisted of classes and homework. Now, I'm a wife and mother to two boys, so my free time is pretty limited, especially since the oldest rarely naps (today is one of those rare days - woohoo!). Once the boys are in bed, I have about three hours to squeeze in a workout, do some paying work, spend time with my hubby, maybe catch a tv show, prep for the next day, meditate, read, blog. I know that a 20-minute meditation session focuses me so that I am able to accomplish more, but there are times I feel so pressed for time, I just can't force myself to do sit; I know that these are the times I would benefit the most. I also have a 9-month-old with a knack for fussing when I'm 17 minutes into a 20-minute sit and dad's not home. *sigh*

Looking at all of the major events our family has gone through since last September (Charlie's broken leg, Isaac's birth, Isaac's 8-day stint at DHMC for RSV & pneumonia, my decision to be a stay-at-home mom instead of going back to work, our fridge dying shortly after this decision, discovering ants in the floor of our front steps, did I forget anything? *sigh* again), I'm surprised my depression didn't pop up sooner than it did.... unless it did and I just didn't realize it. I think part of what helped me was spending so much time with friends at playdates and such over the summer. I know that the more isolated I am here at home, the more down I feel. I have a few friends that are great at extending invitations for dates and playdates and that has been a major help. I don't want to stay at home all the time, but I don't want to push myself on my friends either.

The thing I'm most looking forward to in fighting my depression is starting a yoga class again. Before I was pregnant with Charlie and during the first few months of my pregnancy, I was doing three yoga classes a week! I loved it! I have plans to find a local class with a friend and I can't wait to start up again. I occasionally do some yoga at home, but the atmosphere of a class is something you can't recreate on your own. What a mood booster that is!

So, that explains where I've been when I disappear for days (weeks) at a time. I'm having a really awesome day (and week) this week so I'm going to write and post while I have it in me. :)


  1. too. I'm happy to read that I'm not alone, but sad that you're going through it too. Getting out helps, so I'm glad you have friends that you can do playdates with. I, on the other hand, have no friends in Maine and no I feel worthless a LOT. I hope it gets easier for you and that you have more good days than not.

  2. All I have to say is "Welcome to the club dear". It's a hard thing to realize that the life you once had with it's ample free time few demands is a thing of the past. It's not that we regret our new lives, it's just that they can be so drastically different that we take a look back and say "what happened!?" and it makes us depressed. I realize you're doing everything you can to lift your mood up but don't forget you've had kids and that chemically changes you. Those things you did before might not work as well by themselves, you may need some meds to go with your changes.
    Just the same, keep your head up and know that you're not alone.