Some Days You Know I Wanna Just Give Up

I've been lax in my posting lately and I suppose I should be honest. I've said it out loud to a few family members and friends, but to put it in writing makes it a bit more real and I find that frightening. I have a hard time asking others for help and this is a pretty big shout out for me.

I've been having a hard time lately. I've had bouts of depression in the past and I'm dealing with it again. I have wonderful days and I have horrible days. I have days where I don't want to get out of bed, and if I didn't have two little ones to drag me out, I'd probably stay there all day. Some days, it's all I can do to get my day-to-day chores and activities done, and my blog falls by the wayside. Master Charles has been more than a handful lately, too, and I can't say that's been making life any easier. :)

I have starting doing things that have helped me battle my depression in the past, but I'm at a different stage in life right now, so it's not always easy to put myself at the top of my priorities list. I know that exercise is one of my major mood enhancers and I'm trying to make a daily workout part of my normal routine. I can't go to bed without tidying the kitchen or going through my getting-ready-for-bed routine and I want to get to the point where I feel like something is missing when I don't work out. The beginning of the week is great; I just need to keep it going past Wednesday night.

I have also starting meditating again. I starting meditating junior year of college; in my senior year, I was the leader of the Zen Meditation Club at my school. Back then, it was pretty easy to find time for myself; my life consisted of classes and homework. Now, I'm a wife and mother to two boys, so my free time is pretty limited, especially since the oldest rarely naps (today is one of those rare days - woohoo!). Once the boys are in bed, I have about three hours to squeeze in a workout, do some paying work, spend time with my hubby, maybe catch a tv show, prep for the next day, meditate, read, blog. I know that a 20-minute meditation session focuses me so that I am able to accomplish more, but there are times I feel so pressed for time, I just can't force myself to do sit; I know that these are the times I would benefit the most. I also have a 9-month-old with a knack for fussing when I'm 17 minutes into a 20-minute sit and dad's not home. *sigh*

Looking at all of the major events our family has gone through since last September (Charlie's broken leg, Isaac's birth, Isaac's 8-day stint at DHMC for RSV & pneumonia, my decision to be a stay-at-home mom instead of going back to work, our fridge dying shortly after this decision, discovering ants in the floor of our front steps, did I forget anything? *sigh* again), I'm surprised my depression didn't pop up sooner than it did.... unless it did and I just didn't realize it. I think part of what helped me was spending so much time with friends at playdates and such over the summer. I know that the more isolated I am here at home, the more down I feel. I have a few friends that are great at extending invitations for dates and playdates and that has been a major help. I don't want to stay at home all the time, but I don't want to push myself on my friends either.

The thing I'm most looking forward to in fighting my depression is starting a yoga class again. Before I was pregnant with Charlie and during the first few months of my pregnancy, I was doing three yoga classes a week! I loved it! I have plans to find a local class with a friend and I can't wait to start up again. I occasionally do some yoga at home, but the atmosphere of a class is something you can't recreate on your own. What a mood booster that is!

So, that explains where I've been when I disappear for days (weeks) at a time. I'm having a really awesome day (and week) this week so I'm going to write and post while I have it in me. :)