Pushing Through

Sometimes the thing you want to do least is the thing that will help you the most.

I started spiraling down on Wednesday afternoon; I was tired and I was having a hard time putting words together to hold a conversation. It would have been a good time for me to write, but I wasn't on the computer much when writing is possible (i.e. when the kids are sleeping or otherwise occupied with Popsy) and it might have been hard to understand.

Even at therapy on Thursday, it was hard for me to express anything. By Friday, I was a complete grump. I just wanted to be alone and since Chris was home, I spent a good part of the afternoon with Stieg Larsson. Yesterday, I was feeling pretty much the same. I wasn't too keen on getting out of bed, but once I did, I made the bed right away so I wouldn't have the option of crawling back in. We had a few errands to do and I spent most of the trip lost in thought. Chris would ask a question and get the bare minimum of an answer in response. At a tent sale, we found a much-needed new sneakers for me, but trying on t-shirts did not improve my day. And I was dreading the birthday party we had RSVP'd to. I knew the boys would have fun and that it would be great company; I just wasn't too sure I would be able to pull myself together for it and didn't think I would be much of a companion.

My instincts yesterday were to retreat inside myself. I felt like I didn't have much of myself left to give to anyone. Surrounding yourself with people when you're wanting to be alone isn't easy to do. But, really, if I had done what I wanted to do, I'd still be in that lonely place. I don't like that lonely place, but it can be so hard to get out of it. It's a matter of forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do. The beginning of the party was a bit rough for me, but by the end, my mood had improved and I had a blast! Today, I'm still feeling good although I'd be even better if the sun would show itself a bit more.

We didn't have the healthiest breakfast this morning, but it sure was tasty! Fortunately, the rest of the day should be better health-wise. Chris has been fixing the brakes on his truck this morning and this afternoon we're planning on finally putting our bikes to use! My Mother's Day present was bike seats for the boys and a new bike for Chris so that we could take family bike rides. With the rain we've had for the last WEEK, we haven't used them yet and I have been so anxious to! Today's weather forecast was for clouds....I didn't see anything about rain so I have my fingers crossed. We're going to head over to the bike path and I'm hoping to hit up the farm stand on the way home. I've been craving something grilled for dinner. I'm torn between grilled shrimp and veggies and grilled pizza topped with some veggies (maybe some of the asparagus from the fridge?), but I think I'm leaning towards pizza.

It's now noon and I'm still in jammies! I'll leave you with this goof (stealing his brother's dinner last night) while I get dressed!

Losing Words

I'm just not into writing tonight. I can't seem to pull anything together, but I want to get in an update. I wrote some this morning and I added a little tonight, so I'm piecing both together. I'm having a really hard time processing thoughts and coming up with words. What I've written may not flow too well, so bear with me. I didn't have the best afternoon. I worked out tonight and I have therapy tomorrow, which I'm really looking forward to, but losing words like I am tonight is usually something that happens right before a bad "spell," for lack of a better word, so we'll see how tomorrow goes.

7:05am: I swear that Isaac has an extra sense. He was sleeping peacefully. Charlie was "eating" breakfast and watching TV. I was cooking my oatmeal and cutting my grapefruit. At the EXACT moment my grapefruit and oatmeal were at the counter ready to be eaten, Isaac decided to let me know he was awake....

7:50am: Both boys have eaten, are dressed and their breakfast dishes are drying in the rack. Isaac's playing cars at the coffee table and occasionally calls my name so I can watch him as he climbs onto the coffee table. My little daredevil. Charlie and his friend Megan are chasing each other around the house. My oatmeal and grapefruit are still sitting on the counter. It's a good thing oatmeal holds its heat.

9:30pm: Apart from a late breakfast, it was a good morning. I was up at the same time as Chris and did a little stretching before hopping in the shower. Charlie had a blast playing with Megan although he was a little much at times. He doesn't seem to have a concept of personal space when he gets excited and I think she was getting as frustrated with him as I was. I would say she was ready to go home when Mom came to get her. They did have fun together and it was cute to see them cuddling under a blanket as they watched a movie together. :)

This afternoon, not so good. I was d.r.a.g.g.i.n.g. There was no opportunity to squeeze in a workout yesterday and I felt it today. Between story time, Isaac's doctor's appointment and picking Charlie up from his friend's house, I didn't eat lunch until 1:30. Isaac was not interested in taking a nap until 4 even though he had 4 shots and a dose of Tylenol to ease the pain from the tetanus shot! By the time he did go down, it was time to start thinking about dinner so that I could eat and run out the door to be at the library at 6:30 for a board meeting that lasted until 9. Good meeting, but I missed Glee. :(

To make up for yesterday's lack, I made sure to get in a good workout tonight. I also caught up on Glee while Charlie watched Curious George.

As for Isaac's doctor's appointment....Isaac, at 15 months, weighed in at 18 pounds even. He was 17 lbs 10 oz at 12 months. This means he did not even gain 1/2 pound in 3 months.

Luckily, Charlie was the same way in terms of weight (he didn't hit the charts until he turned 3) and the doctor isn't worried. He's on track or beyond where he should be developmentally so there's nothing to be concerned about. In terms of his seizures, we just need to let his doctor know when/if he has more. We know it's directly related to his breath-holding and the seizures are something that happens with breath-holding spells so isn't we don't feel there's a need to put him through a battery of tests. Down the road, we may change our minds and talk to a neurologist, but for now, we're going to attempt to get used to any seizures in the same way that we've gotten used to the breath-holding spells. Fun. :)

Jitterbug!

I am on edge this morning. I'm very jittery. My heart and mind are racing but my body just can't keep up. I'm sure part of it is that I'm anxious about Isaac's doctor's appointment this morning, but I think the biggest thing is that I'm hungry. I need food!!!

I also need Master Charles, who woke up with way too much energy this morning, to back off a little. I've already yelled at him a few times to calm down and it's not even 8:30. That boy goes from 0 to 60 way too fast! The day started with him crawling in bed with me this morning. I was on my side and he somehow curled his little body up in the space above my legs. I opened my eyes to see his face an inch away from mine. Good morning, Charlie! LOL Later, he made me laugh as I was getting him breakfast when he said, "Can I call you Sweetheart?" Where does he come up with this stuff?

Luckily, the hunger is an easy fix! I'm still hooked on KERF's oatmeal. I eat it in some form almost every morning. Today I've got the normal oats, milk, water and banana with some strawberries stirred in at the end and topped with banana, coconut and pecans. Yum! This should keep my belly happy until lunch.

My jitters this morning are a good sign. It means that I woke up hungry which means that I didn't binge last night! Woohoo! I've been using different strategies to stop myself from mindlessly shoveling food into my mouth. Last night, I had a small helping of dessert right after dinner and brushed my teeth shortly after. I actually went to bed hungry last night and almost wished I hadn't brushed my teeth because I could have used a little post-workout snack.

We've got a busy morning of storytime and Isaac's doctor's appointment so we're off to finish getting ready. I'm very curious to see if my 15-month-old has hit 20 pounds yet. Any guesses as to his weight?

Morning Stretching

Isaac passed out 3 times before 1pm today. It was a rough morning. And we had a playdate, too! He is definitely a boy that needs a lot of sleep and his morning nap was interrupted so he was more than a little overtired. He's taking a nap now and Charlie's watching a movie (there's not much more to do on a rainy afternoon and we needed a little quiet time) so I was able to eat my lunch (another HUGE salad along with a serving of Tostitos Hint of Lime chips, which I LOVE) in peace.

Chris is up at 6 every morning and most mornings, today included, I don't hear his alarm go off. Sometimes I wake when I hear him getting dressed; sometimes I wake when he comes to kiss me good-bye. Usually, I stay in bed until the kids force me to get up.

This morning, I heard him moving around. Like I normally do, I spread out to enjoy the extra space and Chris' pillows, but rather than closing my eyes again and falling back asleep, I realized that I was actually ready to get up and that I actually wanted to get up!

When I rolled over to get up, I realized that after yesterday's run in the rain, my body was more than a little sore and getting up wasn't very easy. But, the good thing was that the boys were both still sleeping! I got my stiff self up and did a little yoga in the bedroom. It really wasn't much because even bending in half was painful, but the movement got the energy flowing and was a nice way to start the day.

Apart from Isaac's breath holding this morning, the rest of the morning was uneventful. We went to a playdate and are now home enjoying a little quiet time. I think I'll dig out a game to play with Charlie once he finishes The Little Mermaid (his choice), because Isaac should take a long nap. I have the energy and desire to do something fun so I'm going to act on it while the motivation is here!

First Steps

When things are good, it's easy to forget just how bad they can be.

You may have noticed that I've been missing lately, both here and on Facebook. I've been lurking, but I just haven't had anything positive to say, and if you don't have anything nice to say, it's best to not say anything at all.

I've been toying with the idea of writing more about the struggles I've been having with depression and I guess I've decided to just do it. It's hard to put myself out there, but.....

It might help me.

It might help someone else.

It won't be pretty.

If you're not okay with reading about some pretty raw, unpleasant emotions, you're following the wrong blog.

Last week, I started seeing a therapist.

She seems to be the jump-start that I need in order for me to live my life rather than limp through the days.

I know I'm not perfect. No one is. But.... I have pretty high expectations for myself. I am a perfectionist.

I've had a rough winter and the days that I didn't want to get out of bed far outnumbered the days that I did. I've never had trouble sleeping, but I've been finding myself having trouble drifting off. I've been lonely. I've been teary. I've been angry. I've been binge-eating. My moods go in cycles. It's either really good or really bad. There isn't a happy medium. This really worries me.

It's getting easier for me to admit that I needed to ask for help, that I wasn't able to manage the stresses in my life on my own. I cried when I asked my doctor for a referral to a therapist. I had admitted that I was NOT perfect.

Everything started to really fall apart two weeks ago.

On Monday, I learned that a former co-worker, someone I had worked closely with and for, loved and respected quite a bit, lost a hard-fought battle with a brain tumor. At 44.

On Wednesday, while playing with Isaac, he squished my breast while climbing over me. While trying to pinpoint exactly why it hurt as much as it did, I discovered a lump. I deliberated what to do and finally called the doctor When I said the word "lump," I was penciled in for an appointment the very next day. I spent roughly 24 hours in between discovering the lump and my appointment thinking, "I'm 28 years old. I have a husband and two little boys. I cannot have breast cancer." I was terrified.

(I am fine. The position of the lump made it hard for me to tell, but it ended up being a muscle in my upper ribs under my breast that was inflamed from an intense upper body work-out the week before.)

On Friday, while getting ready for my friend's funeral, Isaac had his second seizure. His first was the day before Easter and had us calling 911. (Luckily, Chris was home with me both times.) We knew what to do and expect this time, but that didn't make it any easier.

Isaac is a breath-holder. When he gets upset, he holds his breath while crying. When he's in a mood, it results in him turning blue and passing out. Occasionally kids who do this will have seizures as a result of the breath-holding. Of course, my kid is one of the few that has this result. The seizure itself isn't dangerous (as long as it doesn't last for more than 10 or so minutes), but we need to make sure he doesn't choke (especially if he has food in his mouth) and that there's nothing around him that he can hurt himself on. There is nothing we can do to stop the seizure and this in itself is terrifying. I cannot help my baby.

Honestly, I've had enough. I've hit my breaking point. I've realized that I cannot do this on my own.

I know what can help me cope, but my depression has been preventing me from taking those steps. So, I'm seeing a therapist. And taking that first step has prompted me to take others.

I surrounded myself with friends this weekend and did a LOT of talking (and a little wine drinking). :) I walked. I spent a day at the Museum of Fine Arts. I went for a run in the rain. Three out of four days, I ate a salad for lunch and enjoyed it! :) I spent a few hours in bed up way later than I should have been just talking and giggling with my husband. I spent time playing with and enjoying my children. I actually wanted to get out of bed this morning.

But, like I said earlier, my moods tend to run in cycles and when things are good, it's easy to forget just how bad they can be. Two weeks ago, things were really bad. Right now, they're really good. There was no in between. This is where the therapy is going to help.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not know the reason right away, but eventually we find the answer. Every night, unable to fall asleep, I'd tell myself I'd call the doctor tomorrow. When tomorrow came, I didn't call. That silly lump is what prompted me to call the doctor and take the first step in getting my depression under control. If I hadn't found that lump, I never would have called.

2011 Reading Challenge

I love to read. One of my favorite childhood memories involves an afternoon spent with a book (one of the Goosebumps series if I remember correctly) and a bowl of popcorn. I can't go to bed without doing a few minutes of reading, and if I'm caught up in a good book, a few minutes often turns into hours. Last night (I should say this morning!), I was up until 1am because I could not put the book I was reading (that I finished) down! (It was Jodi Picoult's Keeping Faith, which I started Sunday night!) I joined my first book club in December (I think), and in a few weeks, I'll have some news (that is exciting to me, at least) regarding books and reading! There are times that I don't find it as easy to get lost in book, and because of that, I have quite a severe magazine addiction. No fewer than 100 magazines are tucked away under my bed (luckily, I've been doing a bit of organizing lately, so they're in neat little stacks instead of a gigantic pile threatening to take over Chris' side of the bed). Right now, I'm in the mood to read and I never want to stop! Because of this, the top of my bedside table is hidden under 8 books that have been read, are in progress or are waiting to be read.... I don't think my magazine stacks are going to get shorter any time soon. I decided I wanted to keep a running list of what I have read and am reading in 2011. I completed three in January and hope to see just as many, if not more, completed in February. I've got one under my belt for the month, I'm halfway through another and I have a bookclub book to read, so I think this goal is very doable. I would like to read at least 30 books in 2011.

Completed

January 2011

Tana French - The Likeness (bookclub pick) - LOVED it

Alexander McCall Smith - 44 Scotland Street

Alexander McCall Smith - Espresso Tales


February 2011

Jodi Picoult - Keeping Faith - LOVED it

Jodi Picoult - House Rules

Sunny - Mona Lisa Awakening

Kathleen Kent - The Heretic's Daughter (bookclub pick)


March 2011

Amy Weintraub - Yoga for Depression

Dan Brown - Lost Symbol

Pam Jenoff - The Kommandant's Girl (bookclub pick)- LOVED it


April 2011

Diana Gabaldon - The Fiery Cross (finally!!!!!)

Kristin Hannah - Winter Garden (bookclub pick)

Sara Gruen - Water for Elephants

Sara Gruen - Ape House

Peter Arenstam - Nicholas: A Massachusetts Tale

Peter Arenstam - Nicholas: A Maine Tale


In The Works

Diana Gabaldon - A Breath of Snow and Ashes

Alan Brennert - Honolulu (in 3rd chapter and already love it)

Harper Lee - To Kill a Mockingbird (bookclub pick)

Peter Arenstam - Nicholas: A New Hampshire Tale


Feel free to pass along any recommendations!