Friday, June 10, 2011

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

I can't sleep.

Insomnia is a new experience for me. I've never had an issue falling asleep before and it's not something I'm dealing with every night, but I'm not liking it. But really, who does?

I think part of it is that I'm not looking forward to the waking up and facing a day just like every other.

Another part is that we've done nothing this week.

I've sat on my butt way too much in this damn heat.

I'm bored.

And summer's just begun.

On a normal week, we have activities planned to occupy our time. This week, not so much. It was our first week without story time as a normal activity. We didn't schedule anything else and I didn't make much of an effort to. I didn't want to bring Isaac out among other kids; not only is he teething - molars on top and at least 2 other teeth coming on the bottom - but he's got a nasty cold with a drippy nose and raspy cough. He's been a clingy mess.

Clingy baby + hot weather = miserable mom! I know I'll get flack for it, but I'm not a huge fan of summer. Give me a crisp fall day any day and I'm happy as can be. Give me a hot summer day and cover me in sweat and I'm not too fun to be around. To add insult to injury, we've got a gorgeous blue pool that I see every time I look in the backyard, but I had to go and get a garden tool stuck in my leg and can't swim until it's healed. Seriously, who but me?

So, I'm bored. I'm bitchy. I'm lonely. I feel sorry for Chris.

I have a few ideas to overcome the boredom, but with the boredom has come a lack of motivation. I could just care less about fixing the problem right now.

I'm not liking my attitude too much tonight. *sigh*

In reality, I've been thinking about a few things. I just haven't done anything about them.

I really miss the gym and we have one right up the road. It's less than 5 minutes away. My hangup is that my workout time is limited to before Chris leaves for work at 6:45am or after we eat dinner and put the kids to bed around 7:00pm. I could obviously make it work, but it just seems like too much work right now. And, I'm not sure on the price. It's easy enough to call, but I haven't. Excuses, excuses.

I NEED to sign up for a real estate class ASAP to renew my license (expires in, oh, about 4 weeks). It's a 3-hour class, easy to fit in.... I've just procrastinated on signing up because it'd be nice to go with someone else. (Any takers? Wednesday nights in Nashua......)

Thinking about taking that class has made me think about signing up for a "real" class at NH Tech (or whatever it's called now). There are a few classes that will come in handy in the next 18 months.... accounting or something of that sort. It'd be nice to have homework again. I know, I know, who wants homework? But if it means time spent answering intellectual questions instead of "Why?" a bazillion times a day ("Can I play outside, Mimi?" "Sure." "Why?" - Seriously, HOW do you answer that?! WHY would you even ask it?!?!), I'd be in Heaven.

Interacting with people, especially people I don't know, has been what I've missed most now that I stay at home with the boys. Being a stay-at-home mom is a lonely job! I never thought I'd miss talking to some of the crazy people I had to talk to when answering phones!

I've known that I need something more in my days. I had hoped book club, the Board of Trustees and my girlfriends would fill that void, but apparently, I'm needing something more and it frustrates me and makes me feel guilty that I can't be satisfied with everything I already have. I feel like guilt has become one of the major themes of my life. Is this just part of being a mother? A woman?

I've ranted, it's now 1am and I'm still not too sleepy. At least I don't have everything rattling around in my head.... maybe it'll be easier once I put my head on the pillow.


  1. "I feel like guilt has become a major theme in my life"... it felt like you were talking to me in that line. I feel ya, darlin. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. Summer can be fun but it also brings its own stressors and I hate that you're feeling them. Please know that I'm never far and that I love you very much and would love to do whatever I can to help you through this tough time <3

  2. I just read in a magazine the other day that if you're lying in bed and you can't turn your mind off, you should tap your feet together until you drift off to sleep. Try it! Let me know if it works! Also, I've been thinking that I need to take some classes just to have something, but I've been making excuses too. It's so easy to make them.

    I hope your leg heals quickly so you guys can spend all day in the pool! I'm kind of with you about summer...