Something More

Lately, I've been wrestling with a feeling of wanting more in my life. I want to be something more than a mother and a wife. I want to be something. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't see anything wrong with my current role. It's working very well for me and my family right now. However, I've always envisioned more for myself. Even when I was working, I wanted more. I'm a smart woman and I don't think I'm living up to my full capabilities. Growing up and playing with friends, I pretended I was a lawyer or doctor. I went through phases of wanting to be an archaeologist, a vulcanologist, a heart surgeon, a lawyer, a teacher, and so many more things. I love to learn and there is so much in life that I want to do.

Now, it's not really possible for me to continue my schooling at this point in time, but I can always dream, right? We don't have the money for more school, nor do I have the time for classes or homework. I do dream about it often (especially in September when school is starting up again), although I can't decide what exactly I'd like to do next. I'm toying with a few ideas but I don't know if anything will materialize from it.

My newest dream is getting a Master's in library science. I giggle at the vision of myself as a librarian (I picture glasses and a bun in my hair), but I also think it'd be perfect for me. Organization is one of my strong points and I don't leave the house without some sort of reading material - libraries are a mecca of organization and books. It'd be a perfect combination for me.

For me, the sensation of opening a brand-new book - the smell, the feel of the crisp pages turning in my hands, the anticipation of making a new friend with the characters within - brings an immediate sense of happiness. I'm learning to enjoy the sensations of used books, too. They have their own antique-y smells and a history outside of their pages. Imagine all of the people who enjoyed (or despised) the story you're holding in your hands!

I've come to realize that reading is the perfect escape. For just a little while, I can have that something more that I'm wanting in life. I can experience a life that I wouldn't normally be able to experience. I always return to reality, sometimes reluctantly, but I was able to experience something outside of my world for the time the pages were open before me.

Sharing the new worlds within books with someone else is a wonderful feeling, and I'm enjoying making little readers out of my boys. For school, Charlie and I read at least two books together every day. He enjoys listening to the stories and it makes me so proud to find him sitting with a book and working his way through the story - either remembering what I've previously read or creating his own story from the pictures. Isaac is also quite interested in reading material. He enjoys listening to me read, but at the moment, I think his tastes lean more towards eating. Every time he's near me when I have a magazine, I end up tearing out a page for him to munch on!

When I'm relaxing, it's hard to find me without some sort of reading material in my hands or at least nearby. I love language and seeing the different ways that letters and words can combine to create a great story. I enjoy sharing my literary finds with other people, especially those who aren't normally readers, and I'm always on the lookout for new material. Who knows? Maybe in time, I'll make this my dream my reality.